Gaze Into The Face Of Total ‘Turtle’ Terror

5 Aug


Look, I’m not here to tell you how good or bad the upcoming live-action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie is going to be – but, you know, probably bad.

I am here, however, to give you nightmares by showing you the true face of terror!

Paramount Pictures released these four banner posters, which have been popping up on billboards all over America like disgusting, gruesome pustules all over the bodies of anyone in a mid-’80s David Cronenberg movie.

The worst design flaw of the new TMNT characters are those godforsaken noses. Why do they need noses? Here are a few depictions of how the lovable turtles looked in past adaptations.


Do you see any fucking noses? The uncanny valley that just the simple addition of noses creates is far too wide a valley for my stomach to forge.

However, these posters manage to be like 80% nose and 20% dead, soulless eyes.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles opens this Friday, August 8 – with Megan Fox as April O’Neil because, as Michael Bay probably said, “Fuck your childhood.”

Here are some more glimpses into the various visages of visceral horror:






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