By Jeremy Cooper
I recently read this article called ‘24 Signs She’s A Slut.’ I appreciated the author’s detailed guide to banging sluts, but I thought it might be useful to create a slightly different guide. Recently, I ran into a little marriage trouble, and I figured that writing this would be a better way of dealing with my feelings, and helping men avoid having feelings, than just talking to my estranged wife. So, without further ado, here are 10 Sure-Fire Ways To Tell If A Girl Is A Cheating Whore
1. If her name is Marjorie Cooper.
2. If she lives at 361 N. Waterson St. in a house YOU own, but somehow YOU’RE the one living in a hotel room.
3. If she dyes her hair blonde after you get married because she’s feeling “adventurous.” And she goes to your friend Jake’s house because he knows how to dye her hair. But then stays there for three hours. It doesn’t take three hours to dye hair!
3. If she spends way too much time hanging out with your friend Jake, then tells you it’s because, since you’re married, she figures your friends should be her friends too. But she only makes friends with Jake, the only one of your friends who sexually intimidates you. It’s just because he spends a lot of time working out. I’d spend more time working out too if I wasn’t so busy WORKING AT A JOB I HATE TO KEEP A ROOF OVER OUR HEADS!!!
4. If she says that your penis is “totally enough” to satisfy her, but you know she’s lying! 5 ¼ inches is the national average! I know because I’ve googled it. Hundreds of times, just to make sure it hadn’t changed… I mean… you did. You googled it.
5. If she tells you to calm down when you accuse her of cheating, and then tells you that Jake is gay, and she’s not cheating at all.
6. If she gets mad at you when she finds all those long-distance photos of her and Jake hanging out while you were supposed to be at work. She doesn’t realize you quit your job three months ago! Idiot.
7. If, when you accuse her of cheating, she denies it and then brings up all those times she caught you cheating on her a few years ago, as if that mattered!
8. If she “simply can’t deal” with how paranoid and jealous you get simply because you’re “so uncontrollably insecure about your own masculinity.”
9. If she calls you out on your folder full of what she called “gay porn.” But it’s not gay porn. It’s just lots of photos of other guy’s cocks. But it’s not a gay thing, you just can’t stop comparing them to your own, and the sadness turns you on for some reason, and then you masturbate with your own tears. It’s totally normal.
10. Oh, god… I’m sorry Marjorie. I’m so sorry! *uncontrollable sobbing* I just… I just can’t stand myself. I love you so much. Oh god. I’m sorry. *more sobbing.* Please forgive me. I’ll… I’ll go see a therapist. We can go to marriage counselling. I’m sorry! *Just an impossible amount of sobbing*
Zach Seemayer 