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Down the Rabbit Hole: Examining the Life of One Totally Insane Internet Commenter Who Used His Real Name

4 Jan

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The internet is a weird place.

There used to be a thing called “John Gabriel’s Greater Internet Fuckwad Theory” (courtesy of the great Penny Arcade) which was stated as a simple equation:

Normal Person + Anonymity + Audience = Total Fuckwad

Remember that? Remember the days when “anonymity” was required? Now people are just Total Fuckwads by virtue of an audience — or even no audience at all, just the illusion of an audience.

And this, friends, brings us to the comment sections of websites where one is required (or even passively encouraged) to sign in with their Facebook account to leave a comment — which is almost invariably some sort of horrifying, homophobic garbage.

In the old days, that disgusting, bat-shit nonsense would be written by “DaKillaTruth99” or “anonymous” or “User34.”

Only now that insane, raving lunacy links back directly to the person’s Facebook page, with their real name for the world to see, and that’s okay with most people. It’s like they are so disconnected while on the Internet that they think there are no consequences for their public posts.

Let’s take a look at a comment shared on a story written in October, about Kim Kardashian saying she doesn’t like it when Khloe Kardashian talks to her ex-husband, Lamar Odom.

Now admittedly, the Kardashian family does seem to raise most people’s ire a little more than other topics of conversation (although I’d still strenuously argue that you could always just opt to NOT read a story about a family you’re not interested in knowing more about, but whatever), however can you really say that this comment would ever be justified?:

“Kim Kardashian west trash get the hell out of new York bitch cunt loser trash husband move from new York ugly ugly husband like kanye trash Kenye west losers go away from the country trash or ill have people kill you trash people family ill cut yourt neck like a black snake and make a jacket out of you and ugly kanye kim kardashian trash west trash your baby can die in hell the trash where it belongs trash baby this hoe must die in hell the trash kim kardashian her and her trash man.”

Note: I cut this comment a bit short, before he started going into a whole thing about how he hopes Kim Kardashian’s then-unborn baby dies inside of her, then gets her sick and she dies. It was somehow ten times more repulsive than what I actually present to you here.

Think about that for a second. Imagine yourself getting that mad about an article on the internet. Or about anything, ever, anywhere. Would even portion of that ever come out of your mouth?

The part that amazes me about this comment (aside from its truly groundbreaking steam-of-consciousness prose), is that the author signed in with his Facebook account, and his full, real name, to leave what is essentially the kind of thing you read off a crumpled note, covered in blood, left behind at a particularly heinous murder scene.

Now, I don’t believe in public shaming (and I legitimately think this person might be the craziest human being currently living in America who’s not behind bars, so he scares me a little), so I won’t reveal his full name – We’ll just refer to him Sam Shakepeare.

When I first read Sam’s comment, it shocked me with its vulgarity. Then I remembered where I was (the internet) and I remembered that this, in its own way, is par for the course. Maybe a little above (or below, I guess) par, but still nothing out of the ordinary in a comments section.

But I was baffled by the use of his full name. A cursory google search provided me a link to his facebook page, where I was again surprised to learn that this man – who, might I remind you, spends his days threatening to murder babies and celebrities — doesn’t have his Facebook page set to “Private.”

And he should. He really, really should.

You see, I learned a lot about Sam in the 10 or 15 minutes I spent doing very little searching on his profile. I found out where he currently works, I found out the contact information for his employer (which I half-wanted to call to let them know what kind of insane person works for them, but I figured they would have to already know). I found out where he lives, where he goes to school.

All of that is linked back to him writing, “Kim kardashian trash west trash your baby can die in hell the trash where it belongs.”

Going through his status updates, I learned more about Sam — who I weirdly grew to feel kind of bad for, actually.

First, he loves posting the same links to songs over and over. Eminem is one of his favorite artists, and I know this for two reasons:

A) He shared a link to the same Eminem song 12 times in two months (perhaps because he forgot he already shared it?)

and B) He wrote, “I AM EMINEMS STUDY I STUDY EMINEM LIKE THERE IS NO TOMORROW.”

I’m not real sure what that actually means, but it’s pretty clear he likes Eminem. (To be completely honest, when I first read this I absolutely thought he meant he likes to eat M&Ms while studying. But no, he didn’t mean that.)

Also, his rage issues seem to really boil up from time to time. He’d go long stretches with just calm, albeit somewhat indecipherable, status updates, before sharing:

“My family my dads sisters are not family they are Devils they go to concerts yet they complain they have no money get a life losers please help me god am going kill my self they make me so mad And worst they go out to eat everyday they tell me I can’t Am a man now how are they they tell me what I can and can’t do Am not A baby anymore am mature enough to make my own decisions On my own help me god”

Which he immediately followed up with, “Merry Christmas everybody wish you all the best everyone all the best,” a few hours later.

He also really, really, REALLY hates the Kardashian family.

“Kim ugly Kardashian west must die in hell burn in hell why she lives she must die”

“Kim, Kardashian hope your new York dash Stores burns in hell to the ground up your dash trash stores burns in hell the one in new York store as well burns with you in it as well burn it down to the ground all the Kardashian trash family gold diggers all of them trash”

“Technology is the better way to go then the ugly Kardashians trashy cloths”

To Sam’s credit, I have to agree with the sentiment that “technology” as a whole is, in fact, better than any of the Kardashians’ clothing lines. It’s hard to argue with that.

He also seems to have a problem with Mexicans — or at least that’s the best I could make from this status update — which, again, I stress is public for anyone to see.

“Americans are sick cowerds scard red necks fat asses druged up idiots bunch of losers how ever dose drugs I hope they burn in hell forever and all forever they make me sick some of the stupid Mexicans are all the same drug adics change the world is hard but the Mexicans are sick with there drugs and this world wants to do better with stupid drugs please you all are dum dum tards you make me sick how you supposed to change the worlds with this kind of acting good luck losers you won t change the world its trash already Americas edgeucation is ass low as it is cuss of drugs I say fuck the drugs make me sick id say burn them All”

Although I think the term “dum dum tards” is worthy of future consideration in our lexicon, and the irony of spelling “education” as “edgeucation” is just… wow. It’s almost too much to enjoy all at once.

However, more so than his bouts of rage-fueled vitriol, it think it’s his completely confounding, alsmot philosophical comments that really fascinate me. No hatred, no stuttering bile-spewing, just bizarre, individual thoughts.

“Disk making is cool and all but everything is going to be digital very soon but disks are cool.”

“Video games are the new Hollywood”

“Omg I just throw up I just barfed throw up threw up I don’t feel so good.”

And finally, I’m pretty sure he had some sort of romantic involvement with his cousin, which then turned sour and now he really FUCKING HATES his cousin. Like, a lot. (Note: I’ve changed the cousin’s name as well.)

“I hate my cusin [Allison] forever I don’t want to see her ever again wish she gose away leaves me and my sister alone little gold digger with her ugly new boy friend trash [Allison] is A Hoe and a Whore.”

I mean, why mention the gold digger thing? And why the anger over her “new boy friend”?

“Am the king of this castle and am gonna be treated with respect or am gonna burn everybodys nutts of and feed them to the sharks you know your damn role and shut your damn mouths”

That was back in late October. In December, Sam wrote:

“I Forever hate my cousin [Allison] what ever her last name is she is a bitch a whore and a hoe like Kim Kardashian trash loser like them I hate the Kardashians trash like I hate my Cousin”

Well, way to bring it all back around, Sam.

In the end, after examining this person’s Facebook for an extended period of time, I actually felt somewhat comforted.

While it’s still disturbing that the trend seems to be people caring less and less about their anonymity when spewing hateful garbage on the internet, it’s comforting to know that Sam Shakespeare — who I now know more about than some of my close friends — never fit into the Greater Internet Fuckwad Theory in the first place.

Remember: Normal Person + Anonymity + Audience = Total Fuckwad. Well, in no universe could Sam ever be considered a “normal person.” He’s just a crazy weirdo with a tiny little public platform. And somehow, that makes me feel better.

I’ll let Sam close us out with one of his own status updates:

“I don’t care if people love me or hate me for speaking the truth its just my opinion I cant change cuss I want to be smarter and learn more everyday love me or hate me I don’t care anymore.”

Amen, Sam. Amen.

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Anti-Valentine’s Day Cards For People You Hate

13 Feb

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Valentine’s Day is a holiday for sharing your love with the people who have meant something in your life. But what about for the people who have only ever meant to cause you harm or annoyance?

What do you get for the person who drives you crazy on Valentine’s Day? How about these anti-VDay cards that will get your point across, as long as your point is, “You drive me so crazy, I can only express my rage in the form of hilariously terrible puns!”

Feel free to send these to the people who need them most this year.

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The 14 Best Sketches (So Far) From ‘SNL’ Season 40

2 Jan

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Let’s just get this out of the way right off the bat: SNL’s 40th season started off a little shaky – despite an admirable hosting job by the endlessly entertaining Chris Pratt – and it seemed that the cast, as it stood, was going to take some time to gel. As it turned out, they gelled much faster than anyone anticipated and as the show reached its final episode of 2014 it found its stride in a way that had been missing for quite a few seasons.

SNL’s 40th season, hiccups aside, has had some truly brilliant, fascinating, and insanely funny moments, and I’ve decided to cherry pick my very favorite 14 (in honor of 2014, get it? It’s not arbitrary… I promise) sketches of the season (so far).

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7 Disney Movies Based On Deeply Disturbing, Horrifying Books

3 Dec

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[NOTE: I originally wrote this story for ETonline.com, where it was first published]

 With the live, musical stage production of Peter Pan airing on NBC on Thursday, and the recent release of the trailer for the upcoming adventure drama Pan – a re-imagined live-action version of J.M. Barrie’s classic tale – it seems that America is once again experiencing full-blown Peter Pandemonium.

And why not? It’s fun for the whole family, right? On the surface, Peter Pan is about a young boy leading his friends on the adventure of a lifetime. Like most children’s stories, it’s a cherished morality tale that teaches kids a lesson while keeping them entertained.

And, like most beloved children’s stories, the familiar tale of Peter Pan is based on a book full of horrible murder and deeply traumatizing acts of depravity. Seriously, children’s stories are messed up. To show you what we mean, here are seven beloved (Disney-adapted) tales of fun and adventure that are based on some of the most shocking, horrifying stories imaginable…

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The Totally Crazy Ways Hollywood Uses Fire To Sell Movies

13 Nov

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[NOTE: I originally wrote this story for ETonline.com, where it was first published]

In the newly released poster for Insurgent, we see a brave, stoic Shailene Woodley standing on top of a cube-shaped building which is on fire. It’s also floating in mid-air through the middle of a post-apocalyptic cityscape, but that’s beside the point.

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While admittedly the poster is a bit surreal, what really seems to set the tone is the blazing inferno raging beneath Woodley’s feet, pouring out of the windows.

It’s almost as if the poster designers were worried that the strange image of a warrior woman on a floating building wouldn’t be eye-catching enough. However, like sex and the color red, fire is used all the time by poster designers for a whole multitude of reasons – and with an equally large variety of insane results.

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13 Hilariously Horrible Horror Movies To Watch On Halloween

27 Oct

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[NOTE: I originally wrote this story for ETonline.com, where it was first published]

Halloween is arguably the greatest of all holidays. First off, as an adult, Halloween is the perfect excuse to marathon-watch the scariest, goriest, most pants-soiling horror movies available. Secondly, adults can buy their own candy, and none of it will be an eraser, gum or three dirty pennies.

But what if you don’t like being scared, and would rather watch a violent, gory scream-fest that makes you laugh? Well, you might be a crazy serial killer, in which case, we can’t help you. But if that’s not the case, check out our list of 13 awful horror movies that are so wonderfully terrible you can’t help but love them.

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10 Surefire Ways To Tell If She’s Cheating

12 Jun

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By Jeremy Cooper

I recently read this article called ‘24 Signs She’s A Slut.’ I appreciated the author’s detailed guide to banging sluts, but I thought it might be useful to create a slightly different guide. Recently, I ran into a little marriage trouble, and I figured that writing this would be a better way of dealing with my feelings, and helping men avoid having feelings, than just talking to my estranged wife. So, without further ado, here are 10 Sure-Fire Ways To Tell If A Girl Is A Cheating Whore

1. If her name is Marjorie Cooper.

2. If she lives at 361 N. Waterson St. in a house YOU own, but somehow YOU’RE the one living in a hotel room.

3. If she dyes her hair blonde after you get married because she’s feeling “adventurous.” And she goes to your friend Jake’s house because he knows how to dye her hair. But then stays there for three hours. It doesn’t take three hours to dye hair!

3. If she spends way too much time hanging out with your friend Jake, then tells you it’s because, since you’re married, she figures your friends should be her friends too. But she only makes friends with Jake, the only one of your friends who sexually intimidates you. It’s just because he spends a lot of time working out. I’d spend more time working out too if I wasn’t so busy WORKING AT A JOB I HATE TO KEEP A ROOF OVER OUR HEADS!!!

4. If she says that your penis is “totally enough” to satisfy her, but you know she’s lying! 5 ¼ inches is the national average! I know because I’ve googled it. Hundreds of times, just to make sure it hadn’t changed… I mean… you did. You googled it.

5. If she tells you to calm down when you accuse her of cheating, and then tells you that Jake is gay, and she’s not cheating at all.

6. If she gets mad at you when she finds all those long-distance photos of her and Jake hanging out while you were supposed to be at work. She doesn’t realize you quit your job three months ago! Idiot.

7. If, when you accuse her of cheating, she denies it and then brings up all those times she caught you cheating on her a few years ago, as if that mattered!

8. If she “simply can’t deal” with how paranoid and jealous you get simply because you’re “so uncontrollably insecure about your own masculinity.”

9. If she calls you out on your folder full of what she called “gay porn.” But it’s not gay porn. It’s just lots of photos of other guy’s cocks. But it’s not a gay thing, you just can’t stop comparing them to your own, and the sadness turns you on for some reason, and then you masturbate with your own tears. It’s totally normal.

10. Oh, god… I’m sorry Marjorie. I’m so sorry! *uncontrollable sobbing* I just… I just can’t stand myself. I love you so much. Oh god. I’m sorry. *more sobbing.* Please forgive me. I’ll… I’ll go see a therapist. We can go to marriage counselling. I’m sorry! *Just an impossible amount of sobbing*