The 14 Best Sketches (So Far) From ‘SNL’ Season 40

2 Jan

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Let’s just get this out of the way right off the bat: SNL’s 40th season started off a little shaky – despite an admirable hosting job by the endlessly entertaining Chris Pratt – and it seemed that the cast, as it stood, was going to take some time to gel. As it turned out, they gelled much faster than anyone anticipated and as the show reached its final episode of 2014 it found its stride in a way that had been missing for quite a few seasons.

SNL’s 40th season, hiccups aside, has had some truly brilliant, fascinating, and insanely funny moments, and I’ve decided to cherry pick my very favorite 14 (in honor of 2014, get it? It’s not arbitrary… I promise) sketches of the season (so far).

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7 Disney Movies Based On Deeply Disturbing, Horrifying Books

3 Dec

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[NOTE: I originally wrote this story for ETonline.com, where it was first published]

 With the live, musical stage production of Peter Pan airing on NBC on Thursday, and the recent release of the trailer for the upcoming adventure drama Pan – a re-imagined live-action version of J.M. Barrie’s classic tale – it seems that America is once again experiencing full-blown Peter Pandemonium.

And why not? It’s fun for the whole family, right? On the surface, Peter Pan is about a young boy leading his friends on the adventure of a lifetime. Like most children’s stories, it’s a cherished morality tale that teaches kids a lesson while keeping them entertained.

And, like most beloved children’s stories, the familiar tale of Peter Pan is based on a book full of horrible murder and deeply traumatizing acts of depravity. Seriously, children’s stories are messed up. To show you what we mean, here are seven beloved (Disney-adapted) tales of fun and adventure that are based on some of the most shocking, horrifying stories imaginable…

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The Totally Crazy Ways Hollywood Uses Fire To Sell Movies

13 Nov

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[NOTE: I originally wrote this story for ETonline.com, where it was first published]

In the newly released poster for Insurgent, we see a brave, stoic Shailene Woodley standing on top of a cube-shaped building which is on fire. It’s also floating in mid-air through the middle of a post-apocalyptic cityscape, but that’s beside the point.

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While admittedly the poster is a bit surreal, what really seems to set the tone is the blazing inferno raging beneath Woodley’s feet, pouring out of the windows.

It’s almost as if the poster designers were worried that the strange image of a warrior woman on a floating building wouldn’t be eye-catching enough. However, like sex and the color red, fire is used all the time by poster designers for a whole multitude of reasons – and with an equally large variety of insane results.

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13 Hilariously Horrible Horror Movies To Watch On Halloween

27 Oct

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[NOTE: I originally wrote this story for ETonline.com, where it was first published]

Halloween is arguably the greatest of all holidays. First off, as an adult, Halloween is the perfect excuse to marathon-watch the scariest, goriest, most pants-soiling horror movies available. Secondly, adults can buy their own candy, and none of it will be an eraser, gum or three dirty pennies.

But what if you don’t like being scared, and would rather watch a violent, gory scream-fest that makes you laugh? Well, you might be a crazy serial killer, in which case, we can’t help you. But if that’s not the case, check out our list of 13 awful horror movies that are so wonderfully terrible you can’t help but love them.

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13 Mind-Blowing Moments From the First ‘Avengers: Age Of Ultron’ Trailer

24 Oct

[NOTE: I originally wrote this story for ETonline.com, where it was first published]

In a move that is likely to set a bad precedent, Marvel Studios released their extended teaser/trailer for Avengers: Age Of Ultron a whole week earlier than planned after a low-res version leaked online early Wednesday.

According to Deadline, acting quickly, and wanting their fans to get a good, solid look at the film’s massive explosions, Marvel released this incredibly exciting sneak peek.

Oh wow, this movie looks amazing. Dark, somewhat bleak and a little nihilistic, but amazing. Check out the trailer above, and then let’s dive in with the 13 best moments!

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Gaze Into The Face Of Total ‘Turtle’ Terror

5 Aug

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Look, I’m not here to tell you how good or bad the upcoming live-action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie is going to be – but, you know, probably bad.

I am here, however, to give you nightmares by showing you the true face of terror!

Paramount Pictures released these four banner posters, which have been popping up on billboards all over America like disgusting, gruesome pustules all over the bodies of anyone in a mid-’80s David Cronenberg movie.

The worst design flaw of the new TMNT characters are those godforsaken noses. Why do they need noses? Here are a few depictions of how the lovable turtles looked in past adaptations.

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11 Evil Animal Movies So Bad, They’re Good

14 Jul

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[Editor’s Note: This story was originally written for and appeared on ETonline]

This weekend, Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes managed to take control of the weekend box office, raking in $73 million dollars. The film follows a group of super-intelligent apes who take over the world, and a rogue group of surviving humans who are fighting to stay alive.

While people seem to be loving this particular entry into the ‘animals destroy humanity’ genre, most movies that show the rise of a deadly species are super-campy creature features that are good only because of how wonderfully bad they are.

To get a feel for how well-done DotPotA really is check out these 11 So-Bad-They’re-Great Creature Features.

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10 Surefire Ways To Tell If She’s Cheating

12 Jun

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By Jeremy Cooper

I recently read this article called ‘24 Signs She’s A Slut.’ I appreciated the author’s detailed guide to banging sluts, but I thought it might be useful to create a slightly different guide. Recently, I ran into a little marriage trouble, and I figured that writing this would be a better way of dealing with my feelings, and helping men avoid having feelings, than just talking to my estranged wife. So, without further ado, here are 10 Sure-Fire Ways To Tell If A Girl Is A Cheating Whore

1. If her name is Marjorie Cooper.

2. If she lives at 361 N. Waterson St. in a house YOU own, but somehow YOU’RE the one living in a hotel room.

3. If she dyes her hair blonde after you get married because she’s feeling “adventurous.” And she goes to your friend Jake’s house because he knows how to dye her hair. But then stays there for three hours. It doesn’t take three hours to dye hair!

3. If she spends way too much time hanging out with your friend Jake, then tells you it’s because, since you’re married, she figures your friends should be her friends too. But she only makes friends with Jake, the only one of your friends who sexually intimidates you. It’s just because he spends a lot of time working out. I’d spend more time working out too if I wasn’t so busy WORKING AT A JOB I HATE TO KEEP A ROOF OVER OUR HEADS!!!

4. If she says that your penis is “totally enough” to satisfy her, but you know she’s lying! 5 ¼ inches is the national average! I know because I’ve googled it. Hundreds of times, just to make sure it hadn’t changed… I mean… you did. You googled it.

5. If she tells you to calm down when you accuse her of cheating, and then tells you that Jake is gay, and she’s not cheating at all.

6. If she gets mad at you when she finds all those long-distance photos of her and Jake hanging out while you were supposed to be at work. She doesn’t realize you quit your job three months ago! Idiot.

7. If, when you accuse her of cheating, she denies it and then brings up all those times she caught you cheating on her a few years ago, as if that mattered!

8. If she “simply can’t deal” with how paranoid and jealous you get simply because you’re “so uncontrollably insecure about your own masculinity.”

9. If she calls you out on your folder full of what she called “gay porn.” But it’s not gay porn. It’s just lots of photos of other guy’s cocks. But it’s not a gay thing, you just can’t stop comparing them to your own, and the sadness turns you on for some reason, and then you masturbate with your own tears. It’s totally normal.

10. Oh, god… I’m sorry Marjorie. I’m so sorry! *uncontrollable sobbing* I just… I just can’t stand myself. I love you so much. Oh god. I’m sorry. *more sobbing.* Please forgive me. I’ll… I’ll go see a therapist. We can go to marriage counselling. I’m sorry! *Just an impossible amount of sobbing*

H.R. Giger Double Feature At The New Beverly Cinema

2 Jun

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Earlier this month, legendary artist and crafter of horrifying night terrors H.R. Giger passed away, leaving behind a massive legacy of brilliant works and a massive influence on pop culture and film.

In honor of the man’s iconic career, the New Beverly Cinema in West Hollywood is celebrating his life with an amazing double feature on June 8, 9, and 10.

First up, at 7:30pm, is the 1979 sci-fi horror classic Alien, which cemented Giger’s place in the cinematic landscape. The eponymous alien was designed and based off of Giger’s painting Necronom IV, but director Ridley Scott ended up seeing Giger’s true measure of brilliance and had him design basically everything on the Alien planet.

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Rick Baker Finally Reveals ‘Night Skies’ Aliens

27 May

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[Editor’s Note: This story was orignally written for and appeared on ETonline]

In the 1970s, director Steven Spielberg started pre-production on a follow-up to Close Encounters Of The Third Kind called Night Skies. He hired legendary special effects artist Rick Baker to create a prototype of the film’s menacing alien, and by all accounts, it was going to be spectacular.

Then, as is often the case in Hollywood, the whole project fell apart, and the film entered that strange cinema limbo of amazing movies that never were. Many of the designs were later used in Spielberg’s alien masterpiece ET in 1982, but the menacing alien was never seen. Until now!

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